Echoes 11 - The Tide Rolls In

            “Sweet Jane...” Tony muttered the words along with Lou Reed as it blasted from his stereo. His words were nearly unintelligible through the wrench he held between his teeth. He opened the chest piece of his newest Mark and stuck his head inside. Something had malfunctioned when he’d ordered the suit to meet him back at the plane. The damn thing had set alarms off on the entire plane ride home and had successfully driven him up the wall. Eventually he’d begun to pull it apart in a desperate attempt to quiet the suit. He’d had to leave half the pieces on the plane to be retrieved later. Happy hadn’t come to meet him at the airport and he’d wound up calling a car service.

            At least he hadn’t been flying around in the suit when it had malfunctioned. It turned out that there was some sort of power supply failure. Yet there had been just enough power left for that annoying alarm to go off. If it had happened while he’d been inside the suit there was a distinct possibility he would’ve gone crashing to the ground. He would’ve survived, but it definitely wouldn’t have been fun. Maybe he hadn’t been on his A-game when he’d been putting his newer suits together. He’d gotten into a complacent groove while building them. By focusing solely on distraction he’d managed to successfully avoid a number of his mental issues but had sacrificed efficiency. No more!

            Now that he’d seen the ghosts in his machines he planned on going through them, one by one, and exorcising their demons. It would take a long time but it would also successfully occupy his mind from his own demons. After the day he’d had in Boston he had initially felt proud that he’d escaped his comfort zone. But the closer he got to Malibu the more uncertain he’d become. Had he made a mistake going to meet with the head of Refuge? Pepper’s words echoed in the back of his mind, warning him about the dangers that could follow. Was he really prepared to be back in the papers? He’d offered for her to work on his suits! His suits!

            Scarlett had been far more than he had expected her to be in more ways than he could count. It wasn’t that he’d regretted speaking with her but he’d begun to question things that he’d been otherwise certain of. Was he really suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder like Scarlett suggested? She had seemed pretty certain of it. How had she managed to calm him down? Why had a complete stranger, who had absolutely no reason to help him, taken the time out of her day to make sure that he was genuinely alright? He’d smashed up her office and thrown his ego around from the moment they’d met. She could’ve let him go and have his fit in the hall and have been rid of him. Hell, she probably should’ve called security the moment he flew into her office!

             But she hadn’t. She hadn’t even mentioned it to the press.

            Instead she’d helped him. Why was it that no one already in his life had done that? Surely Pepper knew he was struggling and yet she had done nothing to help! She’d only looked out for herself, and yes, that was sort of how their relationship had always been, but suddenly it bothered Tony. Rhodey had tried to help but there was only so much he could do being busy with his career. Plus Tony felt as though he had burdened Rhodey enough.

            Rhodey had never given up on finding him after he’d been taken captive in Afghanistan all those years ago. For that Tony could never repay him.

            Still, Rhodey wanted to be there for him and was making a true effort. The woman he lived with, on the other hand, didn’t seem to have the time of day for him. And now, late in the night, she was still nowhere to be found. At first he’d thought that he’d hid his distress well enough but after meeting Scarlett he’d realized he’d been practically screaming for help without literally doing so.

            “Don’t suffer in silence.” He repeated her words as he leaned back in his chair after setting his wrench down. In his hand he held the power supply he’d removed from the chest piece of his Mark XLII. It wasn’t the actual source of power, so much. That was obviously the arc reactor he’d placed inside each suit. No, this particular piece of machinery he’d designed to transmit power from the reactor to each separate piece of his suit that required it. That was ultimately what had failed and he wasn’t sure why.

            Before he could dismantle the power supply a tabloid magazine fell in front of him on his desk with some force. He hadn’t even heard footsteps over the loud music in the background.

            “Music off.” Tony spoke to Jarvis, muting the remainder of the Rock and Roll Animal album he’d had blaring. Pepper was standing in front of him, red in the face with her hands on her hips waiting for his reaction.

            Tony glanced at the article she’d shoved in his face and didn’t bother to read the headline. He saw pictures of him with Scarlett walking out of the Refuge office and another of him speaking to the press when he’d stopped to answer questions after Scarlett had walked away. It was obvious that she was angry but he felt rather apathetic about it rather than guilty. He’d felt bad at first but considering that it was nearly the middle of the night and Pepper had just gotten home, Tony wondered why he should feel guilty. Maybe Pepper should have been feeling a little bit guilty instead.

            He’d told her what he’d planned to do. She shouldn’t have been surprised that he’d actually stuck to his word. Instead of acknowledging the paper he turned his attention back to the power supply and began to dismantle it with ease and skill.

            “Did you have a nice night?” He decided not to talk about what was obviously eating at her. He didn’t see the point. She was going to what was on her mind no matter what he responded with. Sometimes he was sure that she didn’t listen to a word that he said.

            “You have nothing to say for yourself? Really?” Pepper dropped her hands to her sides in disbelief. She wasn’t sure why she was so surprised! He obviously didn’t think much of her opinions so why would this have been any different?

            “Did you go to dinner? How is Hogan, by the way? I am paying him to drive me around and yet I haven’t had a personal driver in months because he’s too busy spending all his time with you. I had a car pick me up from the airport. Should I be hiring a different driver for myself?” Tony pointed out, turning away from her scrutinizing gaze and pulling wires apart. Half of them were burnt to a crisp from whatever had caused them to short. Now that he was looking at the power supply he wasn’t sure that it was the source of his problem. “What could it be? Maybe the autopilot screwed it up…” He muttered under his breath, looking none too concerned with the angry redhead in front of him.

            “How could you go all the way to Boston after what we discussed? I strictly told you not to approach Refuge and you blatantly ignored me! How could you do something so incredibly foolish, Tony?” Pepper ignored what she was sure was an accusation of infidelity. Though she wasn’t really sure that it was an accusation as much as it was a dig at how she’d been avoiding talking to him. Maybe she was only afraid of accusations of infidelity because of how incredibly close she’d become with Happy. Their relationship had blossomed in the month’s past and only continued to do so with time. Emotionally it felt like infidelity.

            “Foolish? No, no.” Tony got up and tossed the burnt wires into a pile of already discarded pieces of the suit’s chest plate. “Jarvis, analyze these and map out the progression of their destruction for me in comparison to what we already know. Please and thank you.” He then turned his attention to Pepper who had folded her arms over her white blouse and was staring him down with a mixture of nerves and anger. “I did what I thought was best for my company. You know, the one that’s named after my family? You seem to keep forgetting that my word is what’s final in these situations.”

            “So, it’s your company now? It’s only your company when it’s convenient for you!”

            “Bullshit.” Tony shook his head and turned away from her. “Yes, you have been working your ass off around here and standing in for me. You have no idea how grateful I am that you would do that for me while I spend time trying to figure things out. But in the end, it’s my company and what I say goes. And the fact that you think it’s bad for our reputation isn’t an adequate reason for me not to approach a possible lucrative asset! In all our arguing you didn’t come up with a single legitimate reason for us not to approach Refuge. Other than you not liking Scarlett, I don’t see any reason we shouldn’t move forward.”

            “I thought that we were a team, Tony! Why are you acting like I have no say in this anymore?” Pepper was exasperated. It was too late to keep the inevitable from happening with Scarlett but if she could at least reason with him maybe he would keep her at arm’s reach and they would manage not to end up crashing and burning when Refuge went down in flames.

            “We are a team Pepper, but you seem to think that you are the team!” Tony finally shouted in frustration. He’d tried not to get angry with her but he was tired of fighting about everything except for what really mattered between them. The more they avoided their issues the worse they seemed to get and the less Tony wanted to make any effort to fix them. “Now you run the show and you seem to think that’s how things are going to stay. You had a chance to run Stark Industries and you threw it back in my face.”

            “I couldn’t handle doing everything you do every day! I didn’t know what I was doing and you left things in such a state…”

            “I’m not blaming you! But my opinion matters just as much as yours does and I made a judgment call and it was the right judgment call. After meeting with Scarlett today I know that she can help us. You should be happy! I’m finally getting my act together!”

            “So you’re just going to ignore all my input then? Everything I want means nothing?”

            “It’s all about you, isn’t it Pepper?” Tony rolled his eyes and walked away from her again. She wasn’t listening to what he was really saying; that much was evident. He had considered that maybe he wasn’t explaining it clearly but what else could he possible say? Secretly he’d been hoping she’d be proud of him for going out of the house. That was a huge step for him. He’d even done some work! What more could he do to get her to realize he was finally fighting?

            “Excuse me?” Pepper’s voice rose higher the angrier she got. It was practically squeaking.

            “Never mind. Arguing isn’t getting us anywhere. This is the decision I made. If you don’t like it then go ahead and be angry with me.”

            “I am angry with you!”

            “Big surprise.” Tony laughed, raising his eyebrows on his forehead and moistening his upper lip. “When aren’t you mad at me? You would’ve been mad if I stayed in all day. You would’ve been mad if I’d worked on my suits. You’re mad when I try to run my company like you’ve been pushing me to do every day for months. So what is it, Pepper? What is it you want me to do that’s going to make you happy? Because I can’t seem to figure it out! No matter what I do, I’m wrong!” Tony snapped, feeling his heart racing in his ears. Every time they fought like this, every time they got closer to the root of their problems his body went into overdrive. The reactor in his chest felt like it was going to stop short if he continued but he’d already said what had been on his mind. Depending on Pepper’s reaction it could either calm him or make things worse. His fingers were tingling again and he felt sick to his stomach. How much had it taken out of him to say that out loud?

            “I don’t know!” Pepper shouted in a panic. She searched her mind for an answer, shaking her head desperately. Was he right about her? Was she always mad at him no matter what he did to try and rectify things? He wasn’t changing into the person she thought he’d been evolving into. That had hurt her and she was coming to terms with it. But maybe Tony couldn’t be the man she’d expected him to be. She was feeling increasingly naïve for having ever thought that he could change. Tony was upset that she would ever expect him to change in the first place. How was it that he’d seen it before she had? The notion terrified her.

            “You know what I miss?” Tony finally lowered his voice and turned to the data that Jarvis silently hung in the air next to him. He brushed his fingers over the results and rearranged them with trembling hands. His heart was still pounding in his ears. The air in the room seemed thick and too heavy to breathe. He’d have to check the oxygen levels after Pepper left. Maybe there was some kind of malfunction in the ventilation system in his basement. Again her heard Scarlett’s voice in his head, telling him that he was having anxiety attacks caused by Post Traumatic Stress.

            “No, I don’t.” Pepper didn’t want to ask either. She didn’t much care what Tony was going to say or what he missed. How could she after what he’d done? But why did it bother her? Other than the fact that he hadn’t listened to her, why was she so upset? She didn’t rightly know. Tony had disregarded her input time and time again and it had been something she’d gotten used to. Maybe she thought that would’ve changed after they had moved in together.

            “I miss my assistant.” Tony felt the words choke him but he didn’t gag on them, he didn’t show the upset it caused him to say it out loud. But it was the brutal truth. Rhodey had told him to be honest with her and that was what he was finally doing. Unfortunately it did not have the effect that Rhodey had predicted. Pepper’s face turned as red as her hair and he swore he could see tears in her eyes. Damnit, he didn’t want her to cry. He hated making Pepper cry. She was such a strong woman. When she cried he knew he’d really hurt her. Even though they weren’t seeing eye to eye at the moment Tony didn’t wish any ill will on Pepper. He hadn’t even meant it as the insult she’d taken it as. “Most of all, I miss my friend.” He added in, hoping to soften the blow. Perhaps he should have opened with that. It didn’t seem like Pepper was listening to him at all anymore.

            “Screw you, Tony.” Pepper furrowed her brow and blinked her eyes closed tight to fight back the tears that had welled up. She managed to with a few deep breaths. Even she’d fondly thought of the times where their relationship had been nothing but professional so why did it hurt so much to hear the same from him? “You’re a selfish asshole.”

            “Really?” Tony turned away from the hologram to watch her again. In that moment he saw that she genuinely thought he was only ever thinking of himself. He looked around his basement at the many suits lining the walls, each on display proudly. She thought they stood for something completely different than what they really did. He’d built them to protect her, to protect their life together, not to hide from her. How could she call him selfish when one of the only things he’d focused on for months had been their safety? Half the time he wasn’t even scared for himself! He’d never had anything or anyone worth protecting before. “You’re blind if you really think that.”

            “Well, I do. You’ve always been like this! I thought you’d grow up by now.” Pepper spoke, her voice caught in her throat. Maybe she’d call Happy and have him pick her back up and take her away. She needed comfort.

            “Maybe you should go stay with your mom tonight. If I’m so selfish, after all.” Tony suggested, clenching his jaw hard. He wasn’t upset or overly emotional, but he was angry. He could feel his hands shaking and the urge to strike something growing ever heightened. The last thing he wanted to do was throw a fit in front of Pepper and frighten her too. Hadn’t he done enough damage?

            “Maybe I will.” Pepper nodded hesitantly. Deep down she hoped he’d apologize and that she could go back upstairs. They could pretend this never happened. But did she really want that? Wasn’t this inevitable at some point? She wasn’t fighting to stay and he wasn’t fighting to keep her. She wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Tony wasn’t going to budge from his platform and there was nothing she could do to make him. His face had gone pale and he looked to be searching her for some kind of hope just as she had. Maybe they were looking in all the wrong places. She almost considered asking him if he was okay. He didn’t look well. When she’d come downstairs he’d almost seemed like himself, but now he was off.

            She didn’t ask. She didn’t want to ask.

            Tony turned away from her, sick to his stomach. As Pepper began walking toward the door he counted her footsteps until he was sure she was gone. The tabloid was still on his desk, accusing him of sins he hadn’t committed. He pretended to scrutinize the data hanging in front of him but really his vision was unfocused. He could hear her heels on the stairs getting further away until finally he could hear the door slam. She was gone and yet he still had a thousand things on his mind. Spots obstructed his vision and he desperately tried to blink them away.

            “Deep breaths.” Tony muttered. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he needed to stay calm it wasn’t working. He paced the room and the data disappeared to get out of his way. The more he dwelled on the fight the shorter his breath became. This caused his lungs to ache and tighten which only caused his breath to grow shorter. It was a vicious cycle that he wasn’t sure how to stop.

            Finally he sat down on his wheeled computer chair and leaned back. His basement felt cold and uninviting again as it had the other day. It was the middle of the night and he had nowhere else to go if not there. The relationship he had with Pepper used to provide him comfort and now it did nothing but cause him stress and anxiety which built into whatever attacks caused his chest to feel this way. His fingers were completely numb, they didn’t feel real.

            His head was swimming. If he didn’t calm down it would only get worse. The task seemed impossible. How could he possibly calm down? Everything he thought he knew was slipping out of his grasp and he was powerless to stop it! Pepper was changing. He was changing. Their relationship was changing. Despite his efforts to repair the damage everything kept slipping out of his grasp! What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to fix this?

            That was part of the problem.

            Tony couldn’t fix it.

            There was nothing he could do to repair the damage that had been done. The problems in his mind and in his heart seemed irreparable. He couldn’t even get Pepper to talk to him without making her upset so how could he help her? She was unhappy and it was his fault! For all he knew their relationship was already over and they were going through the motions.

            Tony was a problem solver. He wasn’t the kind to sit idly by when something could be repaired.

            Gripping the sides of his head Tony rested his hands on his knees and tried to coach himself into taking deep breaths. He couldn’t panic again not like he had earlier. He went from having not even known what a panic attack was to having multiple in the course of a few days. It was going to end up killing him at this rate. Who would’ve thought? Tony Stark’s end came via panic attack. The man with no fear, no reason for anxiety, was losing his mind in his basement after kicking out his live in girlfriend.

            “Don’t suffer in silence.” He found himself whispering before he realized he was speaking. Wasn’t that what Scarlett had told him in the stairwell earlier? That it would only compound what was going on in his head? How was he supposed to share his suffering if there was no one around to share it with? Jarvis was there but he wasn’t the same as a living breathing human being. And even if he had someone there to listen to him he had no idea what he would say.

            Suffering in silence was the only option he had.

            Tony needed help.

            For the first time in his life he recognized that he couldn’t go through this alone. He could call Rhodey and ask him to come over but wouldn’t that be too much to ask? How could he ask anyone to go through what was plaguing him? How could anyone understand the panic he was experiencing?

            When he opened his eyes again and lifted his head, he could see his vitals in the air floating in front of him.

            “Sir, your heart rate is fluctuating violently.” The computer whispered soothingly. “Should I call someone for help?”

            “No, no Jarvis. It’s okay.” Tony exhaled but he knew it wasn’t okay. Nothing had been okay. No matter how many times he told himself he would be or assured others he was fine, nothing was okay. He missed who he was. Would he ever be that man again? He’d felt like he had been in Boston. It was almost harder after having felt like his old self again. Now he could remember exactly what he was missing. For awhile it had become routine to feel this way, but now he knew it wasn’t normal.

            “No you’re not.” Even the artificially intelligent computer knew something was wrong. “And I don’t think it has anything to do with Miss Potts.”

            “Jarvis, enough.” Tony held up his hand but his head was spinning.

            “Take your own advice, sir. Don’t suffer in silence.”

            “That wasn’t my advice.” Tony reclined in his chair again and tried to ignore the way his pulse flashed red in front of his face. “It was someone else’s.”

            “Whose?”

            “A friend’s.” Tony’s thoughts drifted away. Scarlett had been the only person who had managed to successfully calm him down without making him feel pathetic for having panicked in the first place.

            “Perhaps this friend would be willing to help you right now.” Jarvis suggested when Tony’s heart rate continued to rise and fall dramatically

            “You know what, Jarvis? Maybe she will.” Tony adjusted in his seat and pulled his cell phone from his pocket. Scarlett had been the only one who had ever understood what he’d been suffering through and that included himself. Maybe she would be able to help him now.